Praise God! His mercies are new every morning!

As humbling as it was to expose myself the other day I am so glad I did.  I'm am in such a better place now.  I had taken my eyes off of Jesus and was sinking FAST!!!  I'm so grateful for the precious Holy Spirit, the truth of God's word, and the body of Christ.  They have been my life line.  I feel like I've crawled back under the ship to rest with Jesus...by the grace of God!  Hope has returned!  Of course It never left.  Jesus was with me the whole time!  I just looked away temporarily.

Haley continues to struggle after this last chemo treatment.  She (and I) are just hanging out in the camper where it is quiet.  I've given up on the idea of trying to keep track of how many times she pukes.  The last couple of days she was able to keep more in than out.  Unfortunately, today I can't say that.  She turned her feeding pump off last night.  She's thrown up everything that I've tried to give her today.  So I switched her to just water and turned her rate down to 15 mls an hour (that's 1/2 an ounce).  She's kept that down so far for the last two and a half hours.  Perhaps I can increase her rate a bit.  I always feel so bad when I do that and then she pukes.  This is a balancing act indeed.  She really wanted to swim today (there is open swim at the hospital from 4-5).  But when it was time to go she wanted to keep sleeping instead.

This is the song that she is listening to over and over and over again.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVsRM55_jsE

Thank you for bearing this burden with us! 

 

I almost drowned...The cold hard facts!

Clinic apt 5-20-15.  I take all the kiddos with me to give Hannah a break.  Haley was admitted for chemo 5-21-15 through 5-24-15.  She got a two day break where she almost felt semi-normal except for her tummy hurt and she still didn't have an appetite.  Since there was no school on Monday her friend Katie got to come and stay the night with her Sunday night.  Our camper started leaking water.  And we ended up with no heat because of it.  Turns out the hot water heater is bad.  After a week or so, Hans was able to get the heat back on, but the hot water heater will have to wait.  Another clinic visit on 5-27-15.  Another chemo admit on 5-28-15 through 5-30-15.  We were discharged around 10:15 PM last night!  None of these chemo treatments are a walk in the park but this particular weeks was really awful.  It makes Haley feel so terrible.  It doesn't seem to matter how many anti-nausea drugs that pump into her.  She spends the whole time with her head over the puke bowl.  It's really hard to see her suffering.  Grandma Debbie had mercy on me and she stayed with Haley for the first two nights.  Hans stayed with her the last night.

Today, 6-1-15, Haley has a physical therapy apt at 10 am.  Tomorrow she has an apt with the surgeon where we get to tell her the surgery option we are choosing.  (I'll save that for a post all it's own. - You are not even going to believe it!)  She will not get chemo again for two weeks because this last round that she got will completely wipe out her immune system.  They have to wait for it to come back before they give her the next round.  In that two week time she will spend 5 of those days at the hospital for 6 different clinic apts.  And God willing she will not have to be admitted because of a fever.  And hopefully she will feel well enough to spend one of those days at the zoo.

Meanwhile, Hans and I grow more and more distant.  I'm feeling like I REALLY need the support of my husband through all of this but he's simply not around.  So in an effort to function, I just push him away because I can't rely on him for support.  (I know...that's an unhealthy coping mechanism.)  He feels stuck with NO good options.  So off to work he goes...distant and miserable.  If something doesn't change it will be a miracle if our marriage survives.  We actually took about 45 minutes last night (thank you Molly & Ella for staying with Haley) to talk and share our frustrations with each other.

This journey has been so hard for me.  I would never choose chemo for myself or my children.  But here I am, forced to walk this road.  And walking down this road without the support of my husband seems like more than I can bear.  I feel very much like Peter.  Jumped out of the boat and walking on water.  And then stink, I looked away!  I took my eyes off of Jesus!  Now I'm sunk!  But praise the Lord, "My flesh and my heart may fail: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever."  Psalm 73:26  I may have sunk, but I won't be drowned.  Jesus in Him great mercy, has reached down and saved me...again!